Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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