I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
