Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
