I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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