His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
