I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
