I heard we made out
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
