im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
