I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
