I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
