I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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