There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
