1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
