I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
