And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
