She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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