I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
