You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
