i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
