That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
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It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize