Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
