He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
