So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
