its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
