i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize