I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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