Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
