i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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