Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
