I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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