I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
