U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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