I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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