careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
