you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
