i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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