I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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