I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
