I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
