i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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