he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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