So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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