I'm so fucking centered right now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Your cock deserves a montage
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
