everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
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I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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