She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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