Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize