Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
