I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
