Apparently you make a good broom.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
