i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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