I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
