Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
