The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
