You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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