Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
