Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
soo... how was my night?
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