Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
