Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
