It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
