tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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