Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
