3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Randomize
