we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
bring money and cleavage
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
