so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
